Yeah, Santosa Again

So the other day I mentioned Santosa and how I'm 50 and feel so content and pleased.

Well, why not mix it up? Why not fix something that ain't broke? It seems like the time.

It seems like the time to start weaning off the anti-depressant. It seems like I don't need it anymore. But of course, when you are taking it, and you have for a few years, and it's working, OF COURSE it seems like you don't need it anymore! Right?

Well, I started taking it when I began my menomania. As the body started reacting to the hormone fluctuations, fatigue and depression set in. I started on a nice dose and did well with it for about 18 months. Then we doubled it. I've been pretty even now for a couple of years. I weaned off the hormone replacement therapy at the beginning of the summer, and halved the dose of another meno-related rx a few months ago. Now I've established a good meditation and asana practice, so it seems like time.

So the other day I cut out a quarter of my anti-depressant. I'll do that for a month and then cut another quarter. We'll see. We'll just see how content I remain!

santosa

Today is my 50th birthday. And I have to say that santosa is my word these days. I am content. I have reached a wonderful phase in my life. The children are nearly grown, our friends are delightful, we have few demands from our families...all is good.

I don't think I ever imagined what my life would be like when I turned 50. I'm sure if I'd spent any time on that at all I never would have thought I'd be living in South Carolina! But we are here and we love it. I'm healthy and strong and still growing in so many ways.

Life is definitely good!

niyamas: santosa

Contentment. Should we have to work on this? I do. Right now I'm quite discontent with my body. It hurts. There are aches and pains and stiffnesses that keep me from enjoying my asana practice or other things I like to do. I am forced to do each thing I enjoy with less vigor and for shorter periods of time.

And sometimes my discontent bubbles up and boils over and I snap. The other night I was leading a short 20-minute asana sequence of stretches for my Centering Prayer group. Two of the ladies are obese and were struggling. And to cover their embarrassment, they made snarky comments about those of who were smaller and more flexible. I snapped. Told them we all bring our own "stuff" to the mat. Some of us, I said, who may be smaller are also in a lot of pain right now. "This is the equalizer," I said.

I was ashamed with  myself for saying that.

Yesterday morning I went to a gentle yoga I class. Afterwards the teacher came up to me, thanked me for coming, and then made point to mention that the class was intended to be easy and gentle. His implication (I felt) was that it may have been easier than what I bargained for. I told him I came for that purpose. That my body needed a gentler practice.

But boy did that annoy me. I know why he said what he did.  He's a very loving person. I was annoyed because I needed his class!

This morning in our kundalini class we were doing a kriya and the teacher said, "Sometimes this kriya can bring stuff up." Well, it sure did. I was angry for most of the kriya. Angry with my body. Discontent.

This episode of pain and discomfort is slowing me down. And really messing with my contentment. It's taking over my thoughts and movements and I'm not enjoying the moments as I should.

And yet, as I name this, as I see what's happening, I'm starting to feel better physically. Go figure.