niyamas: santosa

Contentment. Should we have to work on this? I do. Right now I'm quite discontent with my body. It hurts. There are aches and pains and stiffnesses that keep me from enjoying my asana practice or other things I like to do. I am forced to do each thing I enjoy with less vigor and for shorter periods of time.

And sometimes my discontent bubbles up and boils over and I snap. The other night I was leading a short 20-minute asana sequence of stretches for my Centering Prayer group. Two of the ladies are obese and were struggling. And to cover their embarrassment, they made snarky comments about those of who were smaller and more flexible. I snapped. Told them we all bring our own "stuff" to the mat. Some of us, I said, who may be smaller are also in a lot of pain right now. "This is the equalizer," I said.

I was ashamed with  myself for saying that.

Yesterday morning I went to a gentle yoga I class. Afterwards the teacher came up to me, thanked me for coming, and then made point to mention that the class was intended to be easy and gentle. His implication (I felt) was that it may have been easier than what I bargained for. I told him I came for that purpose. That my body needed a gentler practice.

But boy did that annoy me. I know why he said what he did.  He's a very loving person. I was annoyed because I needed his class!

This morning in our kundalini class we were doing a kriya and the teacher said, "Sometimes this kriya can bring stuff up." Well, it sure did. I was angry for most of the kriya. Angry with my body. Discontent.

This episode of pain and discomfort is slowing me down. And really messing with my contentment. It's taking over my thoughts and movements and I'm not enjoying the moments as I should.

And yet, as I name this, as I see what's happening, I'm starting to feel better physically. Go figure.