Break-Ups are all about the Yamas

Several months ago my best friend and I broke. It was angry and hurtful and full of apologies and declarations of love for each other.

We are still broken and, now that I am more removed, I see that we will most likely not be unbroken.

She was the person I played with. We shared the same hobbies. Hobbies I've not shared with any other friend. That makes it all the more painful. I don't want to take out my camera because it makes me think of her. Hiking? Think of her. Cooking? Think of her. And worse yet...YOGA...think of her. Yoga was what brought us together.

And so now I go about my daily life, my weekly life, doing all of these things alone. As time passes I find the pain lessening a bit. But there are still flashes of anger and resentment. I think, though, that most of that anger is pointed to myself for allowing myself to be so deeply invested in her friendship.

I have a wonderful spouse. But part of what makes us work is that we are not alike. That we each have our own interests. But that doesn't mean I like to pursue these hobbies on my own.

I've done a lot of soul-searching these past months. Realizing where I erred in that friendship and hoping I can overcome the parts of me that may cause me to do that again in another friendship down the road. I see how that relationship taught me lessons I needed to earn. I see that God brought us together and saw us break apart with the purpose of teaching us valuable life lessons.

Now I'm just wondering how long I will need to be going on alone.

yamas: satya

"commitment to truthfulness"

The throat chakra, the 5th chakra, where "one's inner truth is expressed."

This has come up in my meditation the past few days. Earlier this week I began to feel a strong pull to offer silent meditation and prayer at our church. I decided to speak with our pastor about it, and I mapped out four weeks of meetings. I told her what I thought I would do and then said that I would not want to start this until my 40-day personal meditation was over. I want to absolutely certain that this is something I am called to do. I (and my pastor) have serious doubts that our church is ready to take on an hour-long meditation meeting each week. And I want to be sure of my own commitment. We agreed to pencil it in for the Thursday after Labor Day.

But now what I'm experiencing are feelings that I may be an impostor. I emailed my girlfriend and said:

"As I did my kriya this morning, and I kept YANKING my mind back where it had floated off to, I found myself saying "I'll tell people all these things they can do to try to quiet their mind...to try to wait for that small voice of God to speak to me...to hear that whisper of His love...and I myself can't do it for a millisecond. Who am I to try to help people to do what I myself am incapable of doing?"

Remember that story of Jesus in Gethsemane? He went off to pray and a few of the disciples said they would stay with him. But they kept falling asleep. That popped into my head this morning.

Mark 14:37-41 (New International Version)

 37Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Simon," he said to Peter, "are you asleep? Could you not keep watch for one hour? 38Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

 39Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. 40When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.

 41Returning the third time, he said to them, "Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.'"

We'll have to see how this whole thing evolves. At Wednesday night's class, she invited anyone interested to stay after class tomorrow morning for a 30 minute meditation. I think she'll lead it, but she has mentioned me doing it.